My body when I was pregnant

My body allowed to nurture a baby to life. I was able to nourish a miracle baby within my womb. My body provided nutrients to allow an innocent being grow to a healthy little. I had to surrender my perceived control of what I thought I should eat or drink, I followed my intuition to eat healthy foods that were filled with nutrients in order to provide nutrition. My body was a vessel for a miracle to grow from a small pea to a full grown healthy 8lb 11 oz baby boy.
God, please remind me everyday that this little boy, now 11 years old, that he still needs me. He needs me in a different way and I need to nourish myself like I did back then.  

How I see Recovery

I see my days being filled with activities that contribute to the world. No longer consumed with what I will or not eat. No longer worried of how much did I eat and how can I get it out. Rather, I will live in the moment! I will be mindful of my thoughts, actions and surroundings. I will be in the present; I will notice that I am breathing, that I am following my life's purpose, that I am helping another person, that I am following what God has planned for me, that I am of worth to this physical world.
I want to rebuild the way I think, see and speak. I want to rebuild how I act in my day. I want each minute to be meaningful, for time is priceless. You can never go back, you can never experience the past the way you did the first time. You cannot stop time, it happens whether we are fully present or not. Recovery is feeling the feeling in the moment, knowing that it is present for a reason and to accept as just a feeling.
Recovery is living, rather than just existing. Thriving, rather than just surviving.
Recovery is being of service to others.
Recovery is living in love.
Recovery is living in life.

I Surrender

I Surrender

For years, I existed under the control
of the "Eating Monster".
Every day there was darkness
Every day there was fear
Every day there was anxiety
Every day went by, without me knowing it.

The battle began every time I felt hungry
My mind questioned, "Why?"
My stomach questioned, "Why not?"
Every day there was a struggle with the “ Eating Monster”.
It did not last long,
the voice inside of my mind won every time.

Yet, one day a miracle occurred.
I am not sure how it happened
or when it exactly happened.
But, I noticed that I was choosing to do other things
Somehow, the monsters’ power was not so strong
I would hear his voice
But, I was choosing not to fall in his trance.

Instead, I chose to ask God for help
He now works through me
and He gives me strength.
Now, I have allowed God to intercede in my struggle with this monster.
He calms,
quiets and soothes my soul.

I will be honest
The monster is not gone for good.
Ever so often, it comes out to prey on me
and I may tumble.
However, now there is a difference
I do not fall so hard
and I am not in the trance as long.

I have learned that alone
I was unable to fend off this "Eating Monster".
But, with His strength and wisdom
I can live and thrive, not just survive.

Papa Jay sets Sail

My dear Papa Jay, my father-in-law

passed away on the blessed day of Easter Sunday.

God chose a sacred day for a special man.

As Jesus rose from the dead along time ago,

Papa also rose from his bed up to the Heavens.



Since April 2000, I had been carrying a cross of sadness and grief

my dear Papa’s death left me with the feeling of great loss.

In the depths of my weakened heart,

I buried my sorrow

for the absence of his physical body

at the counter eating his daily meals

or watching TV in his recliner chair.

The absence of hearing his boisterous voice

preparing to harass me and expect a gentle, fun retaliation.

The absence of his animated energy and desire to have pure fun!



These intense, upsetting emotions were never felt or expressed

until, a caring, loving gentleman suggested to read

a chapter in his book, called, “Tall Ships”.

Trusting his words, I opened up the book and soon found

it was about the loss of his Uncle Bill

I wept and wept more.



As my mournful filled tears soaked the pages,

I questioned my sadness.

Was it for the death of Uncle Bill

or was it for my own personal loss?

I knew a lesson, a transformation would occur

and a profound awareness did transpire.


We all have our special time with other human beings.

We meet, we experience

We love

We embrace the miraculous connection with another.



Inevitably, we must all discard out physical bodies

and move onto to another realm of existence.

Although, it is the most difficult position to be in

there are the loved ones who are left on Earth.

These living and breathing beings

need to remember that we have sacred memories imprinted in our minds.


God blessed us with the gift of Life.

Our time is limited

and we must

live, love and appreciate

each New Day.

Celebrate and embrace

each New sunrise

and give thanks

for each sunset.



So, I have learned that although Papa Jays’ body is gone

His memory lives in, around and through me.

As Uncle Bill is sailing his Tall Ship with God

so is my Dear sweet Papa Jay.

I pray for God’s vision to enlighten me

to see Papa Jay enjoying the warm breeze and bright sun.


By,

Monica Ibarra-Robbins

03/29/05