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Thursday, November 19, 2009


The fork and knife wait,
I fear.
My brain says, “no”
but my stomach cries out, “yes.”

I am a fish,
soon to be hooked by a piece of tempting bait.
For once, I have tasted
I am trapped and unable to squirm out.

The clumps of fattening particles, still sit on the plate.
with hesitance, I finally
lift the fork to my lips.
My mouth opens, and the tiny pieces
slide down my quivering throat and into the empty pit.
I cringe and anticipate the cleansing ritual.

Down below is now bloated.
What do I do with this big, round bulge?
maybe a dozen tiny, pink pills
or a finger down the throat?
I have sinned; I have fallen into temptation.
I do not deserve to indulge.

Monica Ibarra-Robbins

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Eating Disorder Defined

Throughout time, people have defined and explained Eating Disorders in a variety of ways. Yet, I think that each person has their own unique and personal definition for this complex disease. Over the many years of existing in the clutches of the “Eating Monster”, I have come to recognize that this disorder has many personalities, faces and powers. The most powerful characteristic of “my” Eating Disorder was the control aspect. I visualized a colossal, intimidating monster that held the keys to my cell door. It restricted the times of incarceration, when and how long I was let out. This monster’s face was the icon that symbolized my experience of the Eating Disorder and it dominated over my thoughts and actions. Many people may define an Eating Disorder as a clinical term or may voice a theory behind this disease. But, I defined it as a strong monstrous energy that plagued my life for twenty-seven years.I am hopeful for day of freedom; to breathe, speak, think and feel as I believe to be right.
Monica Ibarra-Robbins

Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Voice

In the beginning, I suffered from a silent voice, but now I experience a surge of radiant energy.
I was taught to be quiet, meek and obedient.
No questioning.
Muffled voice. 

Then I discovered art! The process of creating helped me open my voice.
The canvas is quiet, non judgmental; the pencils are strong and bold; the lines can be small or thick, the paper is willing to take anything. The chalks love to be mixed, smoothed and blended. On a collage, the images wait to be chosen. They sit patiently as they are arranged in a manner that represents the artist’s feelings. Each one is carefully chosen to depict the happy, the angered, the hopeful or the scared one.
In the finished product, each image is aligned and positioned just as the creator wants it.
The main concept is that through art, there are no judgments, criticisms, pure freedom from any critical voices…just you and the paper, brushes, paints or pencils.
Your vibration is a reflection of what your spirit is made up of. Let it reverberate throughout. Let others feel and see your vibrant rays of words, images and art.

Monica Ibarra-Robbins

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My Soul Seeks Serenity

My soul needs a home
it wanders without direction,
it floats without a rutter.
Only adrift,
moving with each gust of wind,
back and forth, any which way.
No one taking command, no one at the helm.
Loneliness is the only one that steers it.

My soul needs to feel at peace.
As the cold, salty tear drops flow out,
the cry for safety and comfort echo.
My voice box aches from strain,
as the silent screams reverberate.
Hoping, but never finding the way,
to the brilliant light that may guide me to the peaceful path.
Hopelessness and confusion darkens the road I travel.

My soul longs for unconditional love.
Where is it? Who is it? And how is it found?
So many questions, but no one to answer them.
My doubts and fears do not fade,
they only accumulate, creating a dense mound.
When and how will I know the positive path to peace?

My soul longs for forgiveness.
Please Lord, cleanse me of my dark and gloomy past.
Although, I am undeserving of good and honest love,
Please, give me another chance to prove myself to You.
Bless me from up above
May the Holy Spirit enter my decomposed soul
so, I may live, breathe and funnel your majestic energy.
I will spread and transfer this blessing to others.

Monica Ibarra-Robbins

Friday, October 16, 2009

Clipped Wings

Clipped Wings

Hidden and buried is my true self.
Where did the playful, free-spirited girl go?
I allow my black, heavy soul to darken my vision
and squelch my curious, adventurous being.
My crimes, my sins, my guilt
muffle my voice and cripple my movement.

Meekly, yet obediently I wear my crown of thorns
and carry my wooden cross.
All my hopes have dissipated,
existing only in the realm of the unconscious.
I silently scream and cry for comfort.
My sadness, my anger, my frustration
dampen my motivation and paralyze my actions.

Many parts of me have zoned out.
no response, no focus, no attention
After so many years of desperation,
my desires and dreams have dissipated.
There is no sign or light to direct me
My fear, my unhappiness, my loneliness
blur my vision and obstruct my progress.

So, I can only fantasize about my flight to freedom.
Sensing joy, loving openly, laughing heartily.
I can only imagine
to jump, laugh and express freely,
without the fear of rejection or judgment.
To flap my arms and feel the sensation of lift off.
My terror, my doubt, my confusion
clip my wings and keep me incarcerated.

Monica Ibarra-Robbins

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I Surrender

I Surrender

For years, I existed under the control
of the "Eating Monster".
Every day there was darkness
Every day there was fear
Every day there was anxiety
Every day went by, without me knowing it.

The battle began every time I felt hungry
My mind questioned, "Why?"
My stomach questioned, "Why not?"
Every day there was a struggle with the “ Eating Monster”.
It did not last long,
the voice inside of my mind won every time.

Yet, one day a miracle occurred.
I am not sure how it happened
or when it exactly happened.
But, I noticed that I was choosing to do other things
Somehow, the monsters’ power was not so strong
I would hear his voice
But, I was choosing not to fall in his trance.

Instead, I chose to ask God for help
He now works through me
and He gives me strength.
Now, I have allowed God to intercede in my struggle with this monster.
He calms,
quiets and soothes my soul.

I will be honest
The monster is not gone for good.
Ever so often, it comes out to prey on me
and I may tumble.
However, now there is a difference
I do not fall so hard
and I am not in the trance as long.

I have learned that alone
I was unable to fend off this "Eating Monster".
But, with His strength and wisdom
I can live and thrive, not just survive.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Game

She thought that this destructive behavior was a game.
Or was it a way to survive through daily life?
Or was there some trauma or strife?
She knows, there is no one to fault, no one to blame.”

It crumbles her confidence
It keeps her quiet
It depletes her strength.

Someday….she will realize that she was destined to create.
She will choose to connect with her creative vibration,
She will look for signs to grant her inspiration.
She will choose to no longer self medicate.

She will make a decision.
She will trust the process.
She will care for her self.

Her question will no longer be,
“Why do I keep spinning on this vicious, destructive wheel?”
Instead, it will be,
“How does one truly heal?”

She will acknowledge.
She will feel.
She will release.

Her nurturing coaches will guide her into action towards a healthy path.
Slowly her mind awareness will increase,
her body and spirit will sense a beautiful inner peace.
No longer guilt, no longer terrorized of anyone’s wrath.

They will help her accept change.
They will help her embrace the present.
They will help her anticipate the future.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

If there was a song about your life, what would it be called?

If there were a song about your life, what would it be called?

“The Many Masks I wear”

There are many masks that I wear in my every day life. With each person I relate to, with each event I encounter; there seems to be a personality, a face, an attitude that I bring out from behind my safe haven.
I do not think any one person in my life truly knows the “real” me… not even myself.

According to the audience, is which character is played in my life scene. If I am at a party; I can laugh, dance or talk with many people. If I am at a business function, I can converse and move according to the crowd. If I am at a family function, I can play the “happy go lucky” self that they think I am.

Unfortunately, the mask I use the most is the “fun, healthy, active, giddy” one. People do not know of the dark, alone, sad being who hides behind the healthy, happy and social mask. I have been Bulimic/Anorexic since I was in High School. The Eating Disorder world is dark, lonely, devious and destructive. It is a complex disorder. Each person has their story about why they started and how they are dealing with it.

Personally, somehow I have believed that having my ED keeps me safe from the world. This mask is hidden behind the other masks. I have mastered using this mask throughout the years; it is the thickest, strongest, and heaviest. I have used this mask since the tenth grade in high school and it has worked effectively until now. I have a seven year old little boy and a loving husband of 13 years.
I do not want to continue to wear this mask all my life. I want my son and my loved ones to see the “real” me. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and glow with a radiance that the all the masks disintegrate.

I pray one day that my song will be, “Happy to be me and Lovin’ it”!!!!

Monday, September 21, 2009

If there is Faith, there is Hope

Before we take our first breath of air and before our first cry,
our life paths have been paved.
No matter what road we select,
our chosen destiny awaits us.
For some, the journey is long.
They may fall into darkness
or they may encounter great obstacles.
Yet, there is always hope, if one has faith.

I was on a road, without a compass or a guide
I was not in tune with myself or anyone else.
My surroundings appeared bleak and alone,
until, someone reached out!
That someone shared something
and that something
was a caring, loving and giving heart.
There is always hope, if one has faith.

I am also thankful for the people
who have come to visit me on my path of life.
Some have crossed it, some have visited it
and there are others who have become
a big part of it and of me.
They are all part of my journey.
There is always hope, if one has faith.

Consequently, through my travels and through my experiences,
I am learning how to lead and connect with the heart.
The connection that occurs between one and another
a personal and spiritual level.
Now I know,
that to create a wholehearted unity
is what completes me and others.
I have faith and now I have hope.

YOU are one of those connections which is a life time one:>
Papa Jay sets Sail

My dear Papa Jay, my father-in-law

passed away on the blessed day of Easter Sunday.

God chose a sacred day for a special man.

As Jesus rose from the dead along time ago,

Papa also rose from his bed up to the Heavens.

Since April 2000, I had been carrying a cross of sadness and grief

my dear Papa’s death left me with the feeling of great loss.

In the depths of my weakened heart,

I buried my sorrow

for the absence of his physical body

at the counter eating his daily meals

or watching TV in his recliner chair.

The absence of hearing his boisterous voice

preparing to harass me and expect a gentle, fun retaliation.

The absence of his animated energy and desire to have pure fun!

These intense, upsetting emotions were never felt or expressed

until, a caring, loving gentleman suggested to read

a chapter in his book, called, “Tall Ships”.

Trusting his words, I opened up the book and soon found

it was about the loss of his Uncle Bill

I wept and wept more.

As my mournful filled tears soaked the pages,

I questioned my sadness.

Was it for the death of Uncle Bill

or was it for my own personal loss?

I knew a lesson, a transformation would occur

and a profound awareness did transpire.

We all have our special time with other human beings.

We meet, we experience

We love

We embrace the miraculous connection with another.

Inevitably, we must all discard out physical bodies

and move onto to another realm of existence.

Although, it is the most difficult position to be in

there are the loved ones who are left on Earth.

These living and breathing beings

need to remember that we have sacred memories imprinted in our minds.

God blessed us with the gift of Life.

Our time is limited

and we must

live, love and appreciate

each New Day.

Celebrate and embrace

each New sunrise

and give thanks

for each sunset.

So, I have learned that although Papa Jays’ body is gone

His memory lives in, around and through me.

As Uncle Bill is sailing his Tall Ship with God

so is my Dear sweet Papa Jay.

I pray for God’s vision to enlighten me

to see Papa Jay enjoying the warm breeze and bright sun.


Monica Ibarra-Robbins