The Art World

My goals and dreams are to be submersed in the art world. I love everything there is about art from the paintbrush to the canvas. I want to wake up in the morning to the  smell of paints and to see my canvas in progress. I want to paint in a well lit room filled with the warm sunshine and a view of the beach. I want to be engulfed by all the art books, images and art supplies.
I want to be excited when I wake up-thinking of which color or brush stroke I will use next. I want to be excited of what emotions will surface as I am creating-and embrace the feelings.  I want to sit quietly and calmly on my art stool and wait for the art inspiration to warm over me. I want to sit in the silence and be okay, knowing that I am safe within the four colorful walls. I want to feel the smooth wooden brush in my hands, the tool that glides silky paint onto the rough canvas.
I want to wake up knowing that what I am doing is helping another person. I want to be confident that my creation will affect another viewer. I want to trust that each selected color, each selected line or image is channeled from up above and is in turn a gift to others.
I want to know that I am fulfilling the mission that God entrusted to me. I want to acknowledge that I am using each minute as a time to be in life. I want to know that I am using God's gifts and I am viewing them as precious jewels. I want to know that I am being of service to the world.

How I see Recovery

I see my days being filled with activities that contribute to the world. No longer consumed with what I will or not eat. No longer worried of how much did I eat and how can I get it out. Rather, I will live in the moment! I will be mindful of my thoughts, actions and surroundings. I will be in the present; I will notice that I am breathing, that I am following my life's purpose, that I am helping another person, that I am following what God has planned for me, that I am of worth to this physical world.
I want to rebuild the way I think, see and speak. I want to rebuild how I act in my day. I want each minute to be meaningful, for time is priceless. You can never go back, you can never experience the past the way you did the first time. You cannot stop time, it happens whether we are fully present or not. Recovery is feeling the feeling in the moment, knowing that it is present for a reason and to accept as just a feeling.
Recovery is living, rather than just existing. Thriving, rather than just surviving.
Recovery is being of service to others.
Recovery is living in love.
Recovery is living in life.

I Surrender

I Surrender

For years, I existed under the control
of the "Eating Monster".
Every day there was darkness
Every day there was fear
Every day there was anxiety
Every day went by, without me knowing it.

The battle began every time I felt hungry
My mind questioned, "Why?"
My stomach questioned, "Why not?"
Every day there was a struggle with the “ Eating Monster”.
It did not last long,
the voice inside of my mind won every time.

Yet, one day a miracle occurred.
I am not sure how it happened
or when it exactly happened.
But, I noticed that I was choosing to do other things
Somehow, the monsters’ power was not so strong
I would hear his voice
But, I was choosing not to fall in his trance.

Instead, I chose to ask God for help
He now works through me
and He gives me strength.
Now, I have allowed God to intercede in my struggle with this monster.
He calms,
quiets and soothes my soul.

I will be honest
The monster is not gone for good.
Ever so often, it comes out to prey on me
and I may tumble.
However, now there is a difference
I do not fall so hard
and I am not in the trance as long.

I have learned that alone
I was unable to fend off this "Eating Monster".
But, with His strength and wisdom
I can live and thrive, not just survive.

The Game

She thought that this destructive behavior was a game.
Or was it a way to survive through daily life?
Or was there some trauma or strife?
She knows, there is no one to fault, no one to blame.”

It crumbles her confidence
It keeps her quiet
It depletes her strength.

Someday….she will realize that she was destined to create.
She will choose to connect with her creative vibration,
She will look for signs to grant her inspiration.
She will choose to no longer self medicate.

She will make a decision.
She will trust the process.
She will care for her self.

Her question will no longer be,
“Why do I keep spinning on this vicious, destructive wheel?”
Instead, it will be,
“How does one truly heal?”

She will acknowledge.
She will feel.
She will release.

Her nurturing coaches will guide her into action towards a healthy path.
Slowly her mind awareness will increase,
her body and spirit will sense a beautiful inner peace.
No longer guilt, no longer terrorized of anyone’s wrath.

They will help her accept change.
They will help her embrace the present.
They will help her anticipate the future.

If there was a song about your life, what would it be called?

If there were a song about your life, what would it be called?

“The Many Masks I wear”

There are many masks that I wear in my every day life. With each person I relate to, with each event I encounter; there seems to be a personality, a face, an attitude that I bring out from behind my safe haven.
I do not think any one person in my life truly knows the “real” me… not even myself.

According to the audience, is which character is played in my life scene. If I am at a party; I can laugh, dance or talk with many people. If I am at a business function, I can converse and move according to the crowd. If I am at a family function, I can play the “happy go lucky” self that they think I am.

Unfortunately, the mask I use the most is the “fun, healthy, active, giddy” one. People do not know of the dark, alone, sad being who hides behind the healthy, happy and social mask. I have been Bulimic/Anorexic since I was in High School. The Eating Disorder world is dark, lonely, devious and destructive. It is a complex disorder. Each person has their story about why they started and how they are dealing with it.

Personally, somehow I have believed that having my ED keeps me safe from the world. This mask is hidden behind the other masks. I have mastered using this mask throughout the years; it is the thickest, strongest, and heaviest. I have used this mask since the tenth grade in high school and it has worked effectively until now. I have a seven year old little boy and a loving husband of 13 years.
I do not want to continue to wear this mask all my life. I want my son and my loved ones to see the “real” me. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and glow with a radiance that the all the masks disintegrate.

I pray one day that my song will be, “Happy to be me and Lovin’ it”!!!!