Eating Disorder Defined

Throughout time, people have defined and explained Eating Disorders in a variety of ways. Yet, I think that each person has their own unique and personal definition for this complex disease. Over the many years of existing in the clutches of the “Eating Monster”, I have come to recognize that this disorder has many personalities, faces and powers. The most powerful characteristic of “my” Eating Disorder was the control aspect. I visualized a colossal, intimidating monster that held the keys to my cell door. It restricted the times of incarceration, when and how long I was let out. This monster’s face was the icon that symbolized my experience of the Eating Disorder and it dominated over my thoughts and actions. Many people may define an Eating Disorder as a clinical term or may voice a theory behind this disease. But, I defined it as a strong monstrous energy that plagued my life for twenty-seven years.I am hopeful for day of freedom; to breathe, speak, think and feel as I believe to be right.
By
Monica Ibarra-Robbins

I Surrender

I Surrender

For years, I existed under the control
of the "Eating Monster".
Every day there was darkness
Every day there was fear
Every day there was anxiety
Every day went by, without me knowing it.

The battle began every time I felt hungry
My mind questioned, "Why?"
My stomach questioned, "Why not?"
Every day there was a struggle with the “ Eating Monster”.
It did not last long,
the voice inside of my mind won every time.

Yet, one day a miracle occurred.
I am not sure how it happened
or when it exactly happened.
But, I noticed that I was choosing to do other things
Somehow, the monsters’ power was not so strong
I would hear his voice
But, I was choosing not to fall in his trance.

Instead, I chose to ask God for help
He now works through me
and He gives me strength.
Now, I have allowed God to intercede in my struggle with this monster.
He calms,
quiets and soothes my soul.

I will be honest
The monster is not gone for good.
Ever so often, it comes out to prey on me
and I may tumble.
However, now there is a difference
I do not fall so hard
and I am not in the trance as long.

I have learned that alone
I was unable to fend off this "Eating Monster".
But, with His strength and wisdom
I can live and thrive, not just survive.

If there was a song about your life, what would it be called?

If there were a song about your life, what would it be called?

“The Many Masks I wear”

There are many masks that I wear in my every day life. With each person I relate to, with each event I encounter; there seems to be a personality, a face, an attitude that I bring out from behind my safe haven.
I do not think any one person in my life truly knows the “real” me… not even myself.

According to the audience, is which character is played in my life scene. If I am at a party; I can laugh, dance or talk with many people. If I am at a business function, I can converse and move according to the crowd. If I am at a family function, I can play the “happy go lucky” self that they think I am.

Unfortunately, the mask I use the most is the “fun, healthy, active, giddy” one. People do not know of the dark, alone, sad being who hides behind the healthy, happy and social mask. I have been Bulimic/Anorexic since I was in High School. The Eating Disorder world is dark, lonely, devious and destructive. It is a complex disorder. Each person has their story about why they started and how they are dealing with it.

Personally, somehow I have believed that having my ED keeps me safe from the world. This mask is hidden behind the other masks. I have mastered using this mask throughout the years; it is the thickest, strongest, and heaviest. I have used this mask since the tenth grade in high school and it has worked effectively until now. I have a seven year old little boy and a loving husband of 13 years.
I do not want to continue to wear this mask all my life. I want my son and my loved ones to see the “real” me. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and glow with a radiance that the all the masks disintegrate.

I pray one day that my song will be, “Happy to be me and Lovin’ it”!!!!