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Courage

Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can’t practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou

My body when I was pregnant

My body allowed to nurture a baby to life. I was able to nourish a miracle baby within my womb. My body provided nutrients to allow an innocent being grow to a healthy little. I had to surrender my perceived control of what I thought I should eat or drink, I followed my intuition to eat healthy foods that were filled with nutrients in order to provide nutrition. My body was a vessel for a miracle to grow from a small pea to a full grown healthy 8lb 11 oz baby boy.
God, please remind me everyday that this little boy, now 11 years old, that he still needs me. He needs me in a different way and I need to nourish myself like I did back then.  

The Art World

My goals and dreams are to be submersed in the art world. I love everything there is about art from the paintbrush to the canvas. I want to wake up in the morning to the  smell of paints and to see my canvas in progress. I want to paint in a well lit room filled with the warm sunshine and a view of the beach. I want to be engulfed by all the art books, images and art supplies.
I want to be excited when I wake up-thinking of which color or brush stroke I will use next. I want to be excited of what emotions will surface as I am creating-and embrace the feelings.  I want to sit quietly and calmly on my art stool and wait for the art inspiration to warm over me. I want to sit in the silence and be okay, knowing that I am safe within the four colorful walls. I want to feel the smooth wooden brush in my hands, the tool that glides silky paint onto the rough canvas.
I want to wake up knowing that what I am doing is helping another person. I want to be confident that my creation will affect another viewer. I want to trust that each selected color, each selected line or image is channeled from up above and is in turn a gift to others.
I want to know that I am fulfilling the mission that God entrusted to me. I want to acknowledge that I am using each minute as a time to be in life. I want to know that I am using God's gifts and I am viewing them as precious jewels. I want to know that I am being of service to the world.

How I see Recovery

I see my days being filled with activities that contribute to the world. No longer consumed with what I will or not eat. No longer worried of how much did I eat and how can I get it out. Rather, I will live in the moment! I will be mindful of my thoughts, actions and surroundings. I will be in the present; I will notice that I am breathing, that I am following my life's purpose, that I am helping another person, that I am following what God has planned for me, that I am of worth to this physical world.
I want to rebuild the way I think, see and speak. I want to rebuild how I act in my day. I want each minute to be meaningful, for time is priceless. You can never go back, you can never experience the past the way you did the first time. You cannot stop time, it happens whether we are fully present or not. Recovery is feeling the feeling in the moment, knowing that it is present for a reason and to accept as just a feeling.
Recovery is living, rather than just existing. Thriving, rather than just surviving.
Recovery is being of service to others.
Recovery is living in love.
Recovery is living in life.

Art Therapy

“Art” is always being used in form of pleasure, expression and communication. It always played with human psychology in order to communicate, entertain, express and satisfy. Art is as useful for a common person as for an artist in creativity.

Art therapy is psychological related term that uses art media as its primary mode of communication. According to the American Art Therapy Association, art therapy is based on the belief that the creative process of art is both healing and life-enhancing.. It is useful for any age person who may find himself over-whelmed by the intensity of his emotions which is difficult to face either for him self or with other. It gives an opportunity to explore these painful or intensive thoughts and feelings in a supportive environment. Art therapy can be individual activity but is often used very successfully in group situation such as in art studios and in workshops that focus on creativity development. Art therapists work with children, adolescents, and adults and provide services to individuals, couples, families, groups, and communities.

    It involves wide variety of art materials like paints, clay, chalks, markers, batik and many more. Art therapy is very useful for hyper active children, stressed and over worked people in order to give confidence, relaxation and enhance cognitive ability. In this therapy person has to use art material in order to express him self. There is no special art skill require for the person only his reaction is important for expression. By applying oil and acrylic paints with finger person can easily release its tension. By using clay, markers, chalks and other medium of art person’s personality usually judged by the art therapist.

This therapy is not only useful for adults and old people in order to increase cognitive abilities, better relationships with family and friends, able to enjoy the life-affirming pleasures of the creative experience but especially for aggressive children for their better development.

                                                                                                      Sehrish chauhdary

                                                                                                  Artist and an art teacher.

My Soul Needs a Home

My soul needs a home
it wanders without direction
it floats without a rutter.
Only adrift,
moving with each gust of wind,
back and forth, any which way.
No one taking command, no one at the helm.
Loneliness and hopelessness are the only ones that steer it.

My soul needs to feel at peace.
The cry for safety and comfort echo
As the cold, salty tear drops flow out.
My voice box aches from strain,
as the silent screams reverberate.
Hoping, but never finding the way
I keep looking for the light that may illuminate the road to peace.
Yet, negativity and confusion darkens my path.

My soul longs for unconditional love.
Where is it? Who is it? And how is it found?
So many questions, but no one to answer them.
My doubts and fears do not fade,
they only accumulate, creating a dense cloud.
When and how will I know the positive path to peace?
Isolation and naivety drowns me.

My soul longs for forgiveness
Please Lord, cleanse me of my dark and gloomy past.
Although, I am undeserving of good and honest love,
Please, give me another chance to prove myself to You.
Bless me from up above
May the Holy Spirit enter my decomposed soul
so, I may live, breathe and funnel the majestic energy.
I will spread and transfer this blessing to others.
Aliveness and joy will emanate from my entire being.
by Monica Ibarra-Robbins

This lifetime I have learned that rebellions, do not get anywhere. To be rebellious creates negative energy; it is action without thought, which usually results in getting oneself into trouble.
Instead of turning my back on my parents, going at life with blinders on my eyes and spikes on my body – I could have opened my heart and my mouth to communicate with them. Accepting and trying to understand where they were, rather than being a self- centered teenager.
*** I wanted to be understood, yet did not want to understand them. My lesson is to understand them. My lesson is to have my heart and eyes open to whom I am around- be open to the person and the situation. Each person has a different background, culture, views and opinions. **My mission is to understand them and then I can better be understood. We all affect each other, so I need to work with people, not against them.
By Monica Ibarra-Robbins

WHat I learned over the life times

What I have learned over the life times= is laughter and a sense of humor can break any walls/mask that people may put up. If we take people and situations too seriously, it only causes stress, and pushes us further from the chance to connect with one another. The light heartedness takes us back to the naïve child, the one who merely wants to have a good time with anyone. The laughter reconnects our fragile/frayed threads that long to bond together as humans who seek the touch.
By breaking down the solid, cold walls of attitude, judgment or isolation. It allows to admit to the reality-We are all the same…all human beings.


By
Monica Ibarra-Robbins

Temptations

The fork and knife wait,
I fear.
My brain says, “no”
but my stomach cries out, “yes.”

I am a fish,
soon to be hooked by a piece of tempting bait.
For once, I have tasted
I am trapped and unable to squirm out.

The clumps of fattening particles, still sit on the plate.
with hesitance, I finally
lift the fork to my lips.
My mouth opens, and the tiny pieces
slide down my quivering throat and into the empty pit.
I cringe and anticipate the cleansing ritual.

Down below is now bloated.
What do I do with this big, round bulge?
maybe a dozen tiny, pink pills
or a finger down the throat?
I have sinned; I have fallen into temptation.
I do not deserve to indulge.

By
Monica Ibarra-Robbins

Eating Disorder Defined

Throughout time, people have defined and explained Eating Disorders in a variety of ways. Yet, I think that each person has their own unique and personal definition for this complex disease. Over the many years of existing in the clutches of the “Eating Monster”, I have come to recognize that this disorder has many personalities, faces and powers. The most powerful characteristic of “my” Eating Disorder was the control aspect. I visualized a colossal, intimidating monster that held the keys to my cell door. It restricted the times of incarceration, when and how long I was let out. This monster’s face was the icon that symbolized my experience of the Eating Disorder and it dominated over my thoughts and actions. Many people may define an Eating Disorder as a clinical term or may voice a theory behind this disease. But, I defined it as a strong monstrous energy that plagued my life for twenty-seven years.I am hopeful for day of freedom; to breathe, speak, think and feel as I believe to be right.
By
Monica Ibarra-Robbins

The Voice

In the beginning, I suffered from a silent voice, but now I experience a surge of radiant energy.

I was taught to be quiet, meek and obedient.

No questioning.

Muffled voice. 

Then I discovered art! The process of creating helped me open my voice.

The canvas is quiet, non judgmental; the pencils are strong and bold; the lines can be small or thick, the paper is willing to take anything. The chalks love to be mixed, smoothed and blended. On a collage, the images wait to be chosen. They sit patiently as they are arranged in a manner that represents the artist’s feelings. Each one is carefully chosen to depict the happy, the angered, the hopeful or the scared one.

In the finished product, each image is aligned and positioned just as the creator wants it.

The main concept is that through art, there are no judgments, criticisms, pure freedom from any critical voices…just you and the paper, brushes, paints or pencils.

Your vibration is a reflection of what your spirit is made up of. Let it reverberate throughout. Let others feel and see your vibrant rays of words, images and art.

By

Monica Ibarra-Robbins

My Soul Seeks Serenity

My soul needs a home
it wanders without direction,
it floats without a rutter.
Only adrift,
moving with each gust of wind,
back and forth, any which way.
No one taking command, no one at the helm.
Loneliness is the only one that steers it.

My soul needs to feel at peace.
As the cold, salty tear drops flow out,
the cry for safety and comfort echo.
My voice box aches from strain,
as the silent screams reverberate.
Hoping, but never finding the way,
to the brilliant light that may guide me to the peaceful path.
Hopelessness and confusion darkens the road I travel.

My soul longs for unconditional love.
Where is it? Who is it? And how is it found?
So many questions, but no one to answer them.
My doubts and fears do not fade,
they only accumulate, creating a dense mound.
When and how will I know the positive path to peace?

My soul longs for forgiveness.
Please Lord, cleanse me of my dark and gloomy past.
Although, I am undeserving of good and honest love,
Please, give me another chance to prove myself to You.
Bless me from up above
May the Holy Spirit enter my decomposed soul
so, I may live, breathe and funnel your majestic energy.
I will spread and transfer this blessing to others.

By
Monica Ibarra-Robbins

Clipped Wings

Clipped Wings

Hidden and buried is my true self.
Where did the playful, free-spirited girl go?
I allow my black, heavy soul to darken my vision
and squelch my curious, adventurous being.
My crimes, my sins, my guilt
muffle my voice and cripple my movement.

Meekly, yet obediently I wear my crown of thorns
and carry my wooden cross.
All my hopes have dissipated,
existing only in the realm of the unconscious.
I silently scream and cry for comfort.
My sadness, my anger, my frustration
dampen my motivation and paralyze my actions.

Many parts of me have zoned out.
no response, no focus, no attention
After so many years of desperation,
my desires and dreams have dissipated.
There is no sign or light to direct me
My fear, my unhappiness, my loneliness
blur my vision and obstruct my progress.

So, I can only fantasize about my flight to freedom.
Sensing joy, loving openly, laughing heartily.
I can only imagine
to jump, laugh and express freely,
without the fear of rejection or judgment.
To flap my arms and feel the sensation of lift off.
My terror, my doubt, my confusion
clip my wings and keep me incarcerated.

By
Monica Ibarra-Robbins

I Surrender

I Surrender

For years, I existed under the control
of the "Eating Monster".
Every day there was darkness
Every day there was fear
Every day there was anxiety
Every day went by, without me knowing it.

The battle began every time I felt hungry
My mind questioned, "Why?"
My stomach questioned, "Why not?"
Every day there was a struggle with the “ Eating Monster”.
It did not last long,
the voice inside of my mind won every time.

Yet, one day a miracle occurred.
I am not sure how it happened
or when it exactly happened.
But, I noticed that I was choosing to do other things
Somehow, the monsters’ power was not so strong
I would hear his voice
But, I was choosing not to fall in his trance.

Instead, I chose to ask God for help
He now works through me
and He gives me strength.
Now, I have allowed God to intercede in my struggle with this monster.
He calms,
quiets and soothes my soul.

I will be honest
The monster is not gone for good.
Ever so often, it comes out to prey on me
and I may tumble.
However, now there is a difference
I do not fall so hard
and I am not in the trance as long.

I have learned that alone
I was unable to fend off this "Eating Monster".
But, with His strength and wisdom
I can live and thrive, not just survive.

The Game

She thought that this destructive behavior was a game.
Or was it a way to survive through daily life?
Or was there some trauma or strife?
She knows, there is no one to fault, no one to blame.”

It crumbles her confidence
It keeps her quiet
It depletes her strength.

Someday….she will realize that she was destined to create.
She will choose to connect with her creative vibration,
She will look for signs to grant her inspiration.
She will choose to no longer self medicate.

She will make a decision.
She will trust the process.
She will care for her self.

Her question will no longer be,
“Why do I keep spinning on this vicious, destructive wheel?”
Instead, it will be,
“How does one truly heal?”

She will acknowledge.
She will feel.
She will release.

Her nurturing coaches will guide her into action towards a healthy path.
Slowly her mind awareness will increase,
her body and spirit will sense a beautiful inner peace.
No longer guilt, no longer terrorized of anyone’s wrath.

They will help her accept change.
They will help her embrace the present.
They will help her anticipate the future.

If there was a song about your life, what would it be called?

If there were a song about your life, what would it be called?

“The Many Masks I wear”

There are many masks that I wear in my every day life. With each person I relate to, with each event I encounter; there seems to be a personality, a face, an attitude that I bring out from behind my safe haven.
I do not think any one person in my life truly knows the “real” me… not even myself.

According to the audience, is which character is played in my life scene. If I am at a party; I can laugh, dance or talk with many people. If I am at a business function, I can converse and move according to the crowd. If I am at a family function, I can play the “happy go lucky” self that they think I am.

Unfortunately, the mask I use the most is the “fun, healthy, active, giddy” one. People do not know of the dark, alone, sad being who hides behind the healthy, happy and social mask. I have been Bulimic/Anorexic since I was in High School. The Eating Disorder world is dark, lonely, devious and destructive. It is a complex disorder. Each person has their story about why they started and how they are dealing with it.

Personally, somehow I have believed that having my ED keeps me safe from the world. This mask is hidden behind the other masks. I have mastered using this mask throughout the years; it is the thickest, strongest, and heaviest. I have used this mask since the tenth grade in high school and it has worked effectively until now. I have a seven year old little boy and a loving husband of 13 years.
I do not want to continue to wear this mask all my life. I want my son and my loved ones to see the “real” me. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and glow with a radiance that the all the masks disintegrate.

I pray one day that my song will be, “Happy to be me and Lovin’ it”!!!!